Method 1: £45 for a bike lock?

When you are buying a bike ask if you need a bike lock. Of course, the assistant will foolishly say yes – little does he or she know that you want your bike to be stolen. Play along but purchase the cheapest one you can find. I strongly recommend avoiding the Kryptonite New York 3000 as that is likely to majorly hinder theft. Instead, choose something that looks like it could be cut with a pair of children’s safety scissors.

Method 2: One is more than enough

Walking past bike stands you may notice a number of cyclists use two bike locks. Believe it or not, it’s even frequently recommended by police stickers left on bike stands! Fools! Little do they know how much they are inconveniencing thieves and how much they are decreasing the chances that their bike will be stolen. To that end make sure you only ever “secure” your bike with one bike lock.

Method 3: Time to play a game of chance

One of my absolute favourite ways of getting my bike stolen is to leave it somewhere unlocked. Preferably, my back garden. Then a thief is easily able to open the garden gate (of course leave this unlocked) and ride off with the bike. However, don’t restrict your creativity just to the back garden. When you pop in to buy some milk at the corner shop leave your bike outside for a few minutes unlocked – if you are lucky an opportunistic thief will have that.

Method 4: Take cue from the UK’s prime minister

One man who knows exactly how to get his bike stolen is David Cameron. Often known as the UK’s prime minister but less frequently known for his hilarious bike locking antics. To execute this method start by finding a post you can lock your bike to. The post should be have a maximum height of 1.5 to 2 meters. Just enough for a bike thief to be able to easily lift the bike off and ride off with it. Brilliant and hilarious!

Some people have also had success locking their bike to a post with a sign above it. Whilst common sense would say that a thief wouldn’t be able to lift the bike off they have been known to cut the top of the post off.

Method 5: You don’t need to be a Houdini

Someone who wants to get their bike stolen needs to be familiar with how not to lock their bike. Unfortunately, with an abundance of information on “how to lock your bike” this information has sadly often remained hard to find. This forum post provides some inspiration. The best thing to do is to focus on locking just one part of your bike. I highly recommend locking just the front wheel to a bicycle stand.

Of course, some strange people amongst you don’t want to have their bike stolen. In which case you might find these articles of interest:

• Good bike lock guide
• One method for making your bike less attractive to thieves
• London Cyclist’s share their experiences of how their bikes were stolen
• How to lock your bike
• How to prevent your bike from getting piranha’d

Image via LFGSS forum.

I remember well my bike being stolen outside college. I returned from my class, walked to the bike shed and it just wasn’t there. At first I was completely stumped and even started to wonder if I had actually cycled that day. Looking back it’s no surprise it was taken. It had a cheap £10 lock attached to just the front wheel. I wasn’t saddened by the monetary value of it (an old mountain bike) but more the fact suddenly I didn’t have my beloved bike to get me home. I talked to the security about any footage of the theft happening but they had nothing. Defeated, I took the bus to get home.

Share your bike theft experiences in the comments..

Important reads:

• How to lock your bike
• How to make your bike less attractive to thieves
• Unconventional ways of preventing your bike from being stolen
• Bicycle insurance

Image via Barry Pousman

Ugly your bike

See also:

• How to lock your bike